Been feeling really down lately. Thinkin’ back as my childhood, my teenage-hood, and my on-going young-adult-hood, I feel sorry for myself.
Maybe I was born with this sad trait. I can’t seem to be happy, for some reasons. It seems like, a lot of clouds above me, blocking my sunshine all the time. Yes, I had some happy times, but sadly, I can’t recall them most of the time, only sad thoughts coming in, yes most of the time.
There’s another few more things add in the collection of my sad thoughts lately. One day, when someone called me “auntie” (as people will call the middle age woman), ding! here comes another sad thought! Yes, I look at myself, I am not a young adult, not physically not mentally. Good for mentally? I don’t know but it is sure bad for physically lol. I mean, hello?! What am I doing here? I’m 23, I am supposed to enjoy my life when I am young, look at all of the people who are same age as me, going party, traveling with friends and family, enjoying meals with friends, or just very simple, having a really great and happy conversation with a group of friends. But hey look at me, when do i get to enjoy the feeling of surrounding with a group of friends? I don’t even go out more than 10 times in 6 months, just to hang out with friends. Never been to real parties, never have a wonder birthday celebration. Nothing.
Wait, there was once a few friends did bring in cakes for me. You know what I told her when she asked “are you happy?” I was a dumbass and told her *shrug* “Every year is like that…” She was very unhappy. Of course I only realized that later on. I wasn’t being a bitch telling her I didn’t appreciate it, I really did. But I wasn’t happy. I was not happy at all during my teenage-hood. 20% came from my boyfriend, 20% from school, 10% from family, and 50% from myself. It was one of the worst time ever. I even thought of jumping off from my auntie’s apartment and thought of what should I write in my final note for the family, or should I cut myself to death, stab through my heart would be a great idea. I was so stupid enough I sometimes put a knife next to my pillow, just to make me felt better. Of course, sometimes I broke out and cried, and I always lied that it was because of the stress from school.
When I finally graduated from high school, I was glad. I didn’t like my high school life. My best friend was stolen by others and left me alone. Depressed from getting up so early in the morning and going back home so late at night. I don’t like my life to be just restricted like that. Of course, I didn’t dare to tell my classmates that I am sooooooooo happy to get outta there, because I still want to be part of the class, even though I know they don’t really care about me at all.
Then it comes to my boyfriend. What can I say about that? Well, not sure if I made the right choice. All I could say that it was very very tough time for me. I didn’t know why I still wanted to be with a guy who lied to me, cheated on me many times, and discriminated me with other people online. But of course, luckily he has changed. But sometimes I still think he loves himself more than he loves me. He booked tickets for me to fly over there again. Yes, I am so glad and appreciate that. However, sometimes I think why he’s so ignorant? He wants me to be there, and that’s it, without really care how would I feel, whether I am happy or not, or whether my family is ok with that. I’m really stressed from being away from home, leaving many things undone over here. And I am also very sad that my parents being really sad for me to leave home. I know they feel the pressure as well, financial, family, etc. It breaks my heart to see my mom trying so hard to bring the family together. It also breaks my heart to see my dad being in his 50 and still have to work very hard everyday to support the family. They are the one who raised me up. How could I just leave just like that? I will not be enjoying my time at all when I am there with my boyfriend. So I am thinking, if he really loves me, wouldn’t he want me to be happy and enjoy the time with him without any worries etc? But he never get my points, all he thinks about is just us being together and not thinking about the others. I could do that, but I won’t be happy. So does it mean he just wants us to be together, even I won’t be happy? Besides, I’ve found myself getting really tired and upset about his life-style. I really concern about his health and he just doesn’t want to listen to me. So again, I question, does he love me, or just loving himself?
Another thing is that I wonder why my remaining good friends don’t feel like giving me a birthday celebration or even trying to plan surprises as they do to other friend in the group. I am not saying oh you must give me back a present because I gave you one on yours. I am just wondering, why?! Never seen them going on planning how to celebrate with me on my birthday, while we always have to plan surprises for the rest of them. This year, I only received short birthday wishes from them, which is great, cause at least people remember. I thought they might celebrate with me after, but apparently not. Again, I am so easy to be ignore, ain’t I? 
But oh well, my birthday is not anything special for me anymore, after all these years. I already accept that everyday is just the same day for me. People only run into me when they need my advices, after that “prooof” gone just like that. Again, I am used to it. But honestly, sometimes when I think about it, it really hurts.
Lastly, I don’t feel like eating lately. It started like a week ago when I always want to throw up after a meal. The after-taste of the meal really makes me sick. Even after I have brushed my teeth. It is so disgusting. There was a few times that I almost threw up immediately after having my meal, in restaurants. I hate this feeling.
So, I am thinking, when will I be freed? I am really looking forward till the time comes. It may not be there when I am six feet under, but I am still hoping for better.
