Been feeling really down lately. Thinkin’ back as my childhood, my teenage-hood, and my on-going young-adult-hood, I feel sorry for myself.

Maybe I was born with this sad trait. I can’t seem to be happy, for some reasons. It seems like, a lot of clouds above me, blocking my sunshine all the time. Yes, I had some happy times, but sadly, I can’t recall them most of the time, only sad thoughts coming in, yes most of the time.

There’s another few more things add in the collection of my sad thoughts lately. One day, when someone called me “auntie” (as people will call the middle age woman), ding! here comes another sad thought! Yes, I look at myself, I am not a young adult, not physically not mentally. Good for mentally? I don’t know but it is sure bad for physically lol. I mean, hello?! What am I doing here? I’m 23, I am supposed to enjoy my life when I am young, look at all of the people who are same age as me, going party, traveling with friends and family, enjoying meals with friends, or just very simple, having a really great and happy conversation with a group of friends. But hey look at me, when do i get to enjoy the feeling of surrounding with a group of friends? I don’t even go out more than 10 times in 6 months, just to hang out with friends. Never been to real parties, never have a wonder birthday celebration. Nothing.

Wait, there was once a few friends did bring in cakes for me. You know what I told her when she asked “are you happy?” I was a dumbass and told her *shrug* “Every year is like that…” She was very unhappy. Of course I only realized that later on. I wasn’t being a bitch telling her I didn’t appreciate it, I really did. But I wasn’t happy. I was not happy at all during my teenage-hood. 20% came from my boyfriend, 20% from school, 10% from family, and 50% from myself. It was one of the worst time ever. I even thought of jumping off from my auntie’s apartment and thought of what should I write in my final note for the family, or should I cut myself to death, stab through my heart would be a great idea. I was so stupid enough I sometimes put a knife next to my pillow, just to make me felt better. Of course, sometimes I broke out and cried, and I always lied that it was because of the stress from school.

When I finally graduated from high school, I was glad. I didn’t like my high school life. My best friend was stolen by others and left me alone. Depressed from getting up so early in the morning and going back home so late at night. I don’t like my life to be just restricted like that. Of course, I didn’t dare to tell my classmates that I am sooooooooo happy to get outta there, because I still want to be part of the class, even though I know they don’t really care about me at all.

Then it comes to my boyfriend. What can I say about that? Well, not sure if I made the right choice. All I could say that it was very very tough time for me. I didn’t know why I still wanted to be with a guy who lied to me, cheated on me many times, and discriminated me with other people online. But of course, luckily he has changed. But sometimes I still think he loves himself more than he loves me. He booked tickets for me to fly over there again. Yes, I am so glad and appreciate that. However, sometimes I think why he’s so ignorant? He wants me to be there, and that’s it, without really care how would I feel, whether I am happy or not, or whether my family is ok with that. I’m really stressed from being away from home, leaving many things undone over here. And I am also very sad that my parents being really sad for me to leave home. I know they feel the pressure as well, financial, family, etc. It breaks my heart to see my mom trying so hard to bring the family together. It also breaks my heart to see my dad being in his 50 and still have to work very hard everyday to support the family. They are the one who raised me up. How could I just leave just like that? I will not be enjoying my time at all when I am there with my boyfriend. So I am thinking, if he really loves me, wouldn’t he want me to be happy and enjoy the time with him without any worries etc? But he never get my points, all he thinks about is just us being together and not thinking about the others. I could do that, but I won’t be happy. So does it mean he just wants us to be together, even I won’t be happy? Besides, I’ve found myself getting really tired and upset about his life-style. I really concern about his health and he just doesn’t want to listen to me. So again, I question, does he love me, or just loving himself?

Another thing is that I wonder why my remaining good friends don’t feel like giving me a birthday celebration or even trying to plan surprises as they do to other friend in the group. I am not saying oh you must give me back a present because I gave you one on yours. I am just wondering, why?! Never seen them going on planning how to celebrate with me on my birthday, while we always have to plan surprises for the rest of them. This year, I only received short birthday wishes from them, which is great, cause at least people remember. I thought they might celebrate with me after, but apparently not. Again, I am so easy to be ignore, ain’t I? But oh well, my birthday is not anything special for me anymore, after all these years. I already accept that everyday is just the same day for me. People only run into me when they need my advices, after that “prooof” gone just like that. Again, I am used to it. But honestly, sometimes when I think about it, it really hurts.

Lastly, I don’t feel like eating lately. It started like a week ago when I always want to throw up after a meal. The after-taste of the meal really makes me sick. Even after I have brushed my teeth. It is so disgusting. There was a few times that I almost threw up immediately after having my meal, in restaurants. I hate this feeling.

So, I am thinking, when will I be freed? I am really looking forward till the time comes. It may not be there when I am six feet under, but I am still hoping for better.

Just realized that I can’t really handle that much problems and stress as I used to be. Unsolved problems or matters just do the merry-go-round in my head and always feel like something stuck in my heart. Pretty stressful. Guess I am getting old now, used up all the energy already *cough cough* or I am stepping into the “Strawberry World” and soon to become a citizen of the Strawberry chick (草莓妹) lol.

I really should loosen up a bit. I don’t really want depression to visit me again lol. A lot of stuff to do lately. Many in a day, have to be multi tasks. I really hope that I could have some spare time for myself. The short break wasn’t enough to recharge myself from all the works, stress, and more stress. My day is not about my day anymore. It’s fill with house chores, picking sisters from here and there, some more house chores, then now university stuff, part time. Whoa! Where is MY TIME to read and really sit down and enjoy a task-free moment? I don’t even have much time to talk to my boyfriend since then. Busy!

After this post I have to start digging for information for my assignment that I MUST finish before next Tuesday *sigh*.

Well, part time coming this weekend. I am actually quite looking forward to it. After all, I always have been wanted to work at the front-counter to meet different customers etc. Heard that there’s gonna be 3 consulors there with me in the booth that day. Pretty much existing. Hopefully I won’t be too nervous and make myself a weirdo or lost my professional that day

Right. Back to Work!

My car was hit until the driver seat door could not be opened. So this girl claimed that she was not paying attention on the road and said sorry.

After the negotiation, they decided to take me to this car shop where it’s her boyfriend relative car repair shop.

So,

1. I had to take my car to this place early in the morning. Deal with the car dealer on my own.

2. They said no more white colour door but dark red and green. Of course I don’t want it! It wasn’t my fault to got my car hit?! At the end, decided to take a more expensive white door.

3. Had to ask my autie to pick us up from the shop and send us home, and take us back again to the shop later in the evening.

4. Called to talk to this repair man and he bitched at me for kept asking him to hurry hurry while it was the other man asked me to call and ask around 3 or 4 pm (I called at 3.30 pm and only called one time).

5. He said things will be done around 6 to 7 pm but called back and said done at 4.40 pm. Hmmm.

6. Was humiliated by the repair man and blamed for coming late. Doh! Office finish time and autie had to rush from her place to our place then back to the shop!

7. Mocked me for not knowing how to drive in front of everybody.

I have had enough. It wasn’t my fault for this ok? I was a victim too! Wasted my whole day waiting for the car to get fixed and yelled at the repair man while the lady who hit my car just had to pay without showing up etc. So irresponsible! Oh, the “new” door is actually a second hand door which is worse than the one I had. Scratches here and there. Sigh.

Well, I can only hope things gonna be better tomorrow!

No internet still, using other’s to surf a bit. Technician kept saying will call me back today to make an appointment (which they told me later when I called to follow up again after no calls from them for 3 days), but I was right, no calls again. I’ve checked my modem. It is so not the problem from my side. I get pretty upset with Telekom already.

Hate myself eating a lot lately.

Not really happy seeing them unhappy. Pretty stress for the up comoing mid-term financial management exam. I have serious problem of getting up early in the morning nowadays. Don’t have the urge or something to push me to go to classes anymore. The stressful subjects is the main reason to keep me back and of course, not enough sleep (it is getting worse and worse), tired all the time, don’t know what to wear to uni (well, don’t have the interest to pick the clothes anymore), and the morning traffic jam. Sigh. Now all I can do is just convincing myself that I-like-Marketing, I-do-it-for-my-future thingie to keep myself going.

Haven’t really talked to anymore lately, just my sisters and mum. Not something new tho, just the same thing. Can’t complain much I suppose.

Ah~ so busy lately. So so busy. Too many assignments to work on and house to clean. Sigh. Lecturers said “quickly work on it and hand in!!”, parents said “Clean the room and house, quick!!”. I only have one body lah, cannot handle too much

Don’t know why I am so so so so so tired lately. Very tired indeed. Probably all the mess? or maybe over works. I try to be more hardworking this semester but only found that I can’t work as good as before Very sad lah!

Been having weird dreams lately :\

AHHHHHHH I’m soooooooo bored!!! Everyday just uni then assignments, then fetch sisters or work around the house. Always the same! Didn’t even social with other people especially when I really feel like I want to lah

Feel sad that I don’t have much talents No time for even the things I want to do too. Drawings lah, photographing lah, watch heaps of movies lah. No time no time!! Though I have a little bit of time, probably an hour, I will just feel so guilty doing them but not working on my assignments or work around the house My sisters all gone to learn dancing. I also want to learn something, something I want it for years — learn Spanish. I want I want I want to learn guitar too No time no money

So, here’s how it begins. I finished class, ready to fetch HiJin back to her house. We came to car park and found that there was a car blocking in front of my car.

“Errrr..What?! Again?! Man! Why they always have to do this?” I took out my cellphone and started to call the number the car’s owner written on a paper. It rang and rang and rang. No one answered the phone. At the same time, I kept complaining to HiJin how worse the situatinon went on day by day and how the university not to do a thing about it. After a long long while, then only the car owner answered.

One day, we received a letter from Majlis Perbandaran Selayang (The Selayang Council) claimed that I have to pay for the RM 60.00 fine for not paying the parking fee (or over time). It stated my car plate number, date and time.

Anyway, I didn’t receive any ticket from them since I start driving. So I called. A malay lady answered the phone. I told her the situation and explained to her that I never get the ticket at the first place and I always pay for the parking fee. I also made it clear to her that it was LAST YEAR! I’m not going to pay for that if I don’t get a good reason for it.

Well, I found the answers very ridiculous and funny. so I said, “Well ma’am, there were 2 to 3 guards at the area I parked. So, I don’t think the kids could actually do that.”

She kept silent for a while. So I added that it was from last year and I never get notice or ticket or what so ever. Some more I always pay when I am around that area. I am not going to pay for that if they can’t justify it well for me. So she checked the record. While I was waiting, I heard she talked to another woman in malay.

A big fat fish pectoral fin wounded my mom’s palm very badly. It stuck inside and couldn’t take it out. I had to pull it very hard to remove it.

I quickly sent my mom to the nearest clinic. However, the clinic we usually visited didn’t open today because today is public holiday. So we had to go to the other one.

What made me upset and angry was the receptionist. She is the doctor’s wife. My mom told her the situation and she bleed a lot. What she answered next actually surprised us.

“Umm… Ok, then you sit down and wait,” she said.
“But my palm is very numb and very painful right now…”
She kept silent.
“How many more people are waitng until me?”
“Um… About 5 or 6″
“But I’m in so much pain right now! And it bleeds!”
“Oo..ok. Well, I will try what I can do lor..”

She wasn’t really polite. How could they let the wounded badly patient just sit and wait for another 30 or 40 minutes? I was really upset about that and told my mom I would just ask them again. My mom went to ask them instead.

“Excuse me, how many people are there now? Are you sure you can’t let me see the doctor first?”
“Um..well I will see what I can do lor..”

My mom is angry now too.

“Well, if I still have to wait some more, then I have to leave to another clinic now”
“Ok ok. I will try my best then.”

If I knew she was like that, we would have leave to another one now. But since it is public holiday today, not many clinic open. After another patient, she let us in.

Doctor cleaned mom’s wound, gave her injection, and gave her some pills. Things are ok now. But it means I have to cook the dinner tonight!

When I was on my way back at the Sg. Wang monorail, I saw a lot of sales people stood there holding a file thingie in their hands. Some young girls were blocked by them. I walked very fast so they couldn’t get a chance to block my way and try to sell or do whatever they were going to do to me.

When I almost reached the station, a guy who looked about 15 to 17 years old successfully catch up and kept asking me to help him for this promotion thingie. At first I ignored him but he was so insisted and wouldn’t leave me alone. I told him I didn’t want anything but he explained that all I have to do is to tear the papers apart to see what it is inside (I was still walking fast). He explained that if it wrote “Thank You” then I had to give it back to him and din’t have to do anything. I took the paper, teared it just to get rid of him. Seriously, it is not gonna be easy to win a prize unless I was very very very lucky, or it was a scam.

After I opened it, it wrote “Special Gift”. I handed it to him and about to leave. He screamed and jumped up and down very very very dramatically. “Hey you have won a special gift! OMG! Have you taken any of this paper before? Did you read the newspaper?”

Seriously, it doesn’t matter for me, I don’t really care about the prize anyway. I told him I didn’t want it and gave the paper back to him. He was a bit taken back and asked me why? Well, I’ve read enough this kinda scam already and I don’t think I want to believe it. My heart kept telling me to move on but he kept holding me back.

He was then about to run to the other sales people to get the “things” to show me.

New Semester started. Looking down at the time table and assement for each subjects, I am stressed. Too many assements, too many works. This is just the first week and I made it hard on myself from gathering information for the assements. I want to do better this semester cause third year papers are hard.

I’m really sad that I can’t handle more of it, really upset indeed.